Tough Times

Its amazing how emotions can sway a person's being so easily! Emotions are intangible, so miniscule transparent yet that's what makes them the most powerful. You can't kill with a bullet, silence them with them with a muzzle because they always find their way out. Either passively or aggressively they emerge in just transform in some way shape or form but to never dissipate! I wonder why God made emotions to be this way? I mean especially with human emotion....it can be so unstable so deadly and heart wrenching but then again when positive and shared with someone else they could be the most powerful things in the world. Especially with love. I understand the thin line between love and hate. If you love so one so strong and they do not love you back its easy to want to hate them or yourself because the emotion is so strong and hard to take away. But at the same time, if that person returns your love just as strongly as you love them, it can be the most amazing thing ever. Perhaps life would be much better without emotions but it could never be sweeter without them. I supposed because God loves us so much that he was able to take the risk and make us so much like him. But with free will we go through hell loving someone who won't love us back. If that is the case, then he must feel like this when his creation rejects him. So that's how Jesus experienced every thing every human would endure....overwhelming yet powerful! Still pondering........ *sigh*

After the Storm

So...this past week was a week from hell! My computer was malfunctioning, my money was acting funny, I was going to class unprepared, without books, my food is constantly dwindling, I was constantly exhausted & I got yelled at on my job! But God...helped me to get through it! Now this week is almost the same except my computer decided it wanted to cooperate :) but now my phone wants to go a rye! :( My friend said he called me like 10 times while I was trying to call him but I wasn't picking up. Neither was the call waiting operating on neither one of our phones. :( *sigh* I'm pretty sure that all the other stuff was definitely a demonic attack since we have been trying to get a campus bible study going. I wonder has my communication with him been demonically influenced also???? Idk, but although he's weird I kind of like talking to him. It's hard to describe and I'm not some desperate person but despite his quirks I think he's a a swell guy....so what does he think of me??? I have no idea :/

Mixed Emotions Compartmentialize

Today has been the beginning of my second week at campus. I met up with an old friend which was great but....something today was different. I guess over time you just don't see people the same way. I mean don't get me wrong! What I'm saying in regards to this friend is not negative by any means but I don't have the burning in my gut for him anymore. Is that bad? I doubt it but idk but for now I'm just happy that at least I can cherish him as just a friend. I think my meeting, although enjoyable just confirmed what I have been thinking all along. {sigh} oh well! That means there's a dude out there better for me or maybe things take time. Either way I'm going to be patient and wait on God. I mean what's my hurry? lol :) ttyl 

**Sigh**

Have you ever felt sad and didn't really clearly understand why? Today I had a moment on the way to the mall with my dad where I wanted to do was weep. I have been through a lot this past two weeks and since college off and on...news that shook my world and would potentially impact the rest of my life and a lot of time doing a whole lot of nothing to let it merry-go round in my cerebreal cortex. I feel like I'm living a convaluted dream  and hoping and praying that I wake up. Then I realize that this frustration/confusion is my present-day reality. Even as I type this I can feel the heat throb behind my eyes waiting to gush forth. I have so many questions and it seems like the few answers that I have gotten haven't seemed to solve anything but bring added confusion! I really want to go somewhere and scream to the top of my lungs 3 times and be silent for a long time...in a cave...alone. I sorry but its just one of those days, within this season of my life that I wish would stop haunting me! God I need your help directly from you!

Hair Chronicles Continue



And now the ugly....After detangling with my Samy Escencia White Lotus Barly & Nettle, I washed my hair twice last night with Garnier Fructis Pure Shampoo and then left the Pure Conditioner (which has become my staple) in to use under the Eco Styler Olive Oil Gel. I had tried Eco Styler in the summer 2-3 years ago with a little Bee Mine Deja Hair Milk (I believe...its been awhile) and I hated it! I think I was impatient and my hair was still damp. My hair was not completely frizz free at the crown and it felt coated. I decided to try it again since KCCC is getting expensive and my hair loves the glycerin too much where my style is not as neat and professional as I would need it to be by the end of the day. I did not like the results of the Pure Conditioner & Eco Styler combo on my braidout with mimi twistouts in the front. I think this time I  stripped my hair with the extra shampoo wash and did not gauge the amount of conditioner to gel. So the end result left my hair fluffy and not looking as tame as I was hoping for. So i ended  up putting my hair in a top messy bun. Despite my failed experinment, I learned a lot today about other things and was inspired...vegan body building, office dresscode for women, and dresses from shabbyapple. Next I think I'll try the ecostyler with aloe vera gel or juice and Wet line gels....we'll see how that goes! :) *excited*

Part 1 of the Hair Chronicles

So I went to the store a couple of weeks ago in desperate need for a detangling conditioner since I had ran out. Now, I must say that I have found the best detangling conditioner thus far!  Ironically for it to be from the dollarstore, it has decent ingredients...a lot of organic natural extracts which is a great plus! I put this on my 3b/c curly hair and my hair felt awesome and silky! After looking for other reviews on-line, I discovered that my local Dollarstore was selling this conditioner as a steal because other places offer is for $3.49 to $8.99 or more! Ahh such a shame...smh. Now armed with this new knowlegde I gotta go back for more!

Samy Esencia White Lotus, Barley and Nettle Hydrating Conditioner

Ingredients: Purified Water, USP, Cetyl Alcohol, Stearyl Alcohol, Cetearyl Alcohol, Glycerin, Dicetyldimonium Chloride, Tocopheryl Acetate (Vitamin E), Retinyl Palmitate (Vitamin A), Panthenol (ProVitamin B5), Ascorbic Acid (Vitamin C), Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Juice*, Santalum Album (Sandalwood) Extract, Phellodendron Amurense Bark Extract, Hordeum Distichon (Barley) Extract, Humulus Lupulus (Hops) Extract, Urtica Dioica (Nettle) Extract, Equisetum Hiemale Extract, Salvia Sclarea (Clary) Extract, Chamomilla Recutita (Matricaria) Flower Extract*, Rosa Canina Fruit Extract*, Limnanthes Alba (Meadowfoam) Seed Oil, Jasmine Officinale (Jasmine) Oil, Pelargonium Graveolens Flower Oil, Thymus Vulgaris (Thyme) Oil, Zingiber Officinale (Ginger) Root Oil, Hydrolyzed Soy Protein, Citric Acid, Polyquaternium-7, Ceteareth-20, Hydroxyethyl Urea, Ethylhexylglycerin, Phenoxyethanol, Fragrance.
* Certified Organic Ingredient

Price: $1.00 w/o tax
Scent: strong man cologne that they mixed with a cheap woman's flowery perfume; perhaps that was their way of trying to make it completely unisex
Consistency: Very thick and creamy that it is hard to get out of the bottle without shaking it. You have to work it into your hair.
Pros: Very thick, awesome for a prepoo detangler and a post-poo treatment. Amazingly slip!
Cons: Scent is strong and can be somewhat nauseating right out of the bottle but after a while you get used to it unless you're scent sensitive

Today was a trying day...better yet its been a trying couple of weeks! Things can't be like this always. So much to do and learn so little time!
****Update: 6/28/12 The pressure is off a bit...thank God! More things to look forward too******

Suenos....

I woke up this morning with Syria on my mind! That should be a song! :) Anyways today is the first day that I can sit back and relax for a little. No cleaning, working today just chill since these past weeks have been busy and eventful! I hope to be able to meditate, pray, study...we'll see <3

All Things to All Men

To the weak became I as weak, that I might gain the weak: I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some. 1 Corinthians 9:21-23
Out of the many people in the Bible, Paul is one of my favorites. He was educated, had diverse heritage/dual citizenship and went out to Asia minor (which is now Turkey and a few of the surrounding nations) to spread the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ. Like Paul I am now being educated, I share multiple ethnicities and I want to go across the world to help people and share the message of Christ. Nowadays, there are so many ways that can be done, but one must be prepared. Aw preparation! All my life I have felt like a nomadic goat herder or shepherdess moving from place to place only realizing that I was supposed to be somewhere else barely after I settled in the place before! Anyways I digress...I do not particulary care for dressing up but in the capacity in which I would like to work I must look presentable and unfortunately that definition has taken on a different meaning nowadays especially for women.
Women must be fashionable with high heels, cute snug suits, smell nice, with smooth straigh hair and look put together all the time. Yes I said smooth, straight hair since it is still the most preferred type. Anytime a woman that arranges marriages for billionaires suggests to all her textured female clients to lose the curl in order to get an eligible man, you know it still remains the preference. Women have to be all these things and be cute and hopefully smart. Thank God times have progressed some where amongst many women non-straight hair is in! I'm smart so does that count?? :D Ok I know I need more than than...My dilemma is that I have been natural, curly/wavy hair chick without chemicals and rare hot presses for...oh how many years? One..two..seven years now and I had no clue really what I was doing! I followed to curly gurl technique at the time, got someone else to braid it (since I'm conrow challenged), always wore it in a bun or straightened and now my hair is much longer, thick and I must find a way to merge the two:

This is a challenge!

Discovering Me

Today I came to the realization that I cannot keep living the same. My mentality must change. My perception of myself and the world  around is skewed. So what distorted it? I have a few ideas...my past of growing up in a split home for one. Although my loving father tried to do his best there are still issues that I wrestle with on the inside that God must continue to work out in me; issues of esteem. I cannot believe I'm writing this...it seems so ethereal so official so final in placing my thoughts in this manner. Nevertheless I must get in out since I have been in disobedience by not writing for so long.
    I have been trying to figure out how this person called me came to be. How much was it nature? How much was it nurture? Then there is opposition, physical and spiritual and everything just collides. Everything just collides, overlaps, all vying for attention all wanting to consume other and everyday I wake up to someone I'm not sure that I know. I mean I obviously know me, but knowing exactly in what state I'm in sometime just seems to indescribeable and for those that know me, I know how to use words lol.
     My self-discovery is a scary, difficult journey and an on-going one. I'm just blown away since I have many dates to look forward to with My Creator for many times to come. Scratch that...I have a few months to start a solid foundaton with Jesus and spend the rest of my life growing all with Him! Alright Jesus help me to discover me!