Long Road Ahead

So much has happened since I last wrote. I have graduated from college. Two states, two temp jobs, officially unemployed, single and now back at home. Within less that 10 days it will officially be a year without me having a permanent steady job. Nothing worked out the way I thought it would be. Although I have a shelter over my head, a few crackers to eat, in all honesty it has been really difficult to stay positive. Honestly I don't think I have ever been a positive person with the innate motivation to see the world half full. I mean I am hopeful but the minute something does not go right there is this gnawing and gnashing of teeth on the inside that's  like "Look I told you so!". And I want to be brave and free from fear and be excited about life!
But it;s just so hard. It's so easy to be emotional. For me lately being a hermit crab has been my M.O. So many people are starting to notice that behind my smile I actually have problems...but many express this realization by telling me that I'm negative. Heck, even my dad told me I was negative and honestly I think that's the pot on a good/polished day calling the kettle black.  So I have been inside....at home....alone...afraid to call people...afraid my negative aura would either annoy and or contaminate someone else. In silence I try to keep my suffering to myself. But it's not helping.
On a positive note, I did have an interview last week, but they wanted me to stay for 5 yrs. I have been so wrapped in frustration that I practically told the guy that recommended me that I didn't want the job only because they wanted to keep me so long! I do good to know what I'm going to do for the rest of the year! I can imagine he thought I was crazy and being selfish. He hasn't returned my call since. *Sigh* It's so hard to focus on the positive, on completing the tasks at hand. I have been so trying to find a job and feeling so hopeless because my degree seems like it means absolutely nothing in today's economy that I just don't know what to do. I have been applying for a long time in this one area that I feel like maybe it's not God's will for me to be here! And like I said, once I begin to doubt it's like I'm back to square-one to get myself motivated to complete the tasks again.
I have a few other irons in the fire of ideas but most require me to take exams before employment which I do not have the money to buy all the books right now. I miss my friends. I actually felt someone happy being around them but now I think about, they used to say I was negative at times too. Where is all the negativity come from? Maybe because I have had to struggle all my life and I know that this is not where I'm supposed to be. There are lots of people that are in a worst predicament that I am in, but the difference is because I am a child of God, and He has everything I am supposed to boundless access to anything that I need! Frustration always sets in when you see yourself at point A and you know you're supposed to be at point D and you're wondering how did you get to that revelation all of a sudden? What happened to all the other memos about your going from point A to B & C?

And you realize you have no clue what's going on, now knowing the difference between whats up vs down. Yeah that's not how life is supposed to be. Most poor ppl including poor Christians with all their intentions think that they have valid reasons to explain their poverty: "our country is poor, the economy is bad, everyone in our family has been on welfare/disability, it's God's will" ect...And usually the methods they have for solutions is writing the president about unemployment or thinking negative towards those that are rich! When did the government become our source? When did getting upset at others help us succeed? I find it odd that most of the legitimate business owners that are wealthy do not claim to be Christian and unless you're John Maxwell >> but quite a few so called "rich" pastors have had charged brought against them for something (domestic dispute, sexual harassment, embezzlement or some sort of scam) and their wealth seems to be directly tied up into coming from their church! I don't want to be that person. I don't want to pimp other Christians to fund my gift. And I definitely refuse to get married to fix my financial woes just because it seems like a good idea to others. Goldigger just isn't my thing.

 I want to have a career, pays my tithes and offerings, donate to charities, volunteer, have visions and dream dreams that are pleasant and not always something from the living dead and be able to interpret them. The few "goods" night dreams I had involved guys dating me and one kissing me (in the most gentlemanly way ever) and I think I have had maybe less than 5 of those out of 11 yrs of dreaming almost every night! I mean there's a war going on inside my head whether I'm awake or asleep!

And being like this has not helped me in the dating pool either. I'm either super high strung, super melancholy/sedated or just a walking existence of drama & negativity. I really need to get it together but I honestly don't know how! Some days are ok but then the next I take 2 steps backward and wondering why I haven't changed!!! What's wrong with me?! Why are others getting blessed and succeeding in life but not me?! What haven't the prophecies given to me happened yet? Are they supposed to happen any time soon? If not, why was that not explained to me? I'm just so done right now....I think I am just going to try to pray instead of crying myself to sleep. Hopefully, I'll actually have something great to share for once on this blog! Until next time!