The Process of Change

Since only a few days of the new year has commenced,I has gotten little accomplished. My cleanse didn't even go smoothly the first day! I feel as though I am living a tragic redundant existence. So many things in me that need to be changed, removed, imparted and developed. But isn't growth visible? I don't see growth in me or a spirit of perfeection, determination or the will to endure and complete what I have started! As ilI write this the hollows of my sockets burn with dissatisfaction of my life. In many ways I feel like such a hypocritical failure that has time, encouragement, wisdom and love for everyone else except myself. There is so much pressure to succeed, school, relationships, career/life in general. I know my family is supportive but I always feel like I'm always doing everything by myself. Then the help I do get is telling me *what* I should be doing instead of helping me *acquire* the tools to accomplish my aspirations! Many times I feel like I am made to be 12 but the minute I have done something that did not turn out properly, all of a sudden I'm the adult that is supposed to take responsibilty for my actions! These past days have been emotionally hell for me. I have wept across two weeks including in one week two days in a row. To everyone else on the outside I am strong, such a barbie as my uncle calls me, which I hate being called thus. But on the inside I feel like I'm dying silently sometimes from what I don't know what. Perhaps its loneliness. Being without a mate and no friends at home and not being able to be vulnerable yet secure with my friends pulls at my heart sometimes. I'm supposed to have yet why do I feel so alone? Then to make matters worst, my uncle keeps having dreams about me getting married and each time I'm marrying a different man that's the polar opposite than the one before! I mean usually he's right about who people end up marrying but what does it mean? I'm getting married twice? I mean geez I have even been on a date! And the guys I usually like don't seem to match either descriptions -_- My dad told me it could just be a confirmation that I need to seek the Lord myself on who I should marry. The irony is that my uncle has told me to watch out for pan blanco before as if he saw me with one before his dreams about my marriage. At this point I really don't want to hear anything about marriage. I dang I just want to go on a decent date with a nice, attractive young that is not looking for other things... Is that too much to ask? Those things aside, there is so much I need to accomplish in my life. In some ways I need to be alone from others to focus but I can only be alone but too long. Lord Jesus help me with balance! And my emotions! Everything has been so bottled up inside. I just feel like a blind bat trying to navigate through a cave unsuccessfully. The irony is that a bat is supposed to navigate a cave well under all circumstances. -.- Jesus please help me!