A Divine Apppointment at McDonalds

These past weeks have been very busy. I finally got my license by God's divine grace!   I have been trying to be on standby for a job. God knows I have been asking him for a job for a good while. After almost 2 weeks, the insurance company that I interviewed three times for finally sent me an email informing me that I did not get the job but recommended that I apply for another position with the waiting time of at least 2 more weeks for an interview.

Although my dad said that they would offer me the job with such certainty, I know that the decision was an answer to my prayers. I prayed that if I was not offered this job that I was recommended for, a job that I could easily do although they needed to train me, that it would be a sign that I need to look beyond my location and perhaps my country to fulfil his will for this season of my life.

I have been thinking about going into service, but honestly I have hesitated due to fear....fear of what others would think, fear of safety/my life, fear of changing into a different controlling and demanding person, fear of failure, fear that I have sold out to a system that I do not agree with because I  am too much of a "subjective thinker" and fear that I would not be able to deal with myself my conscious and sleep at night, and the ultimate fear of not being in God's will or discerning enough in an environment my incompetence could affect millions and  that I could be killed of deathly wounded at any time.

But I guess ultimately I need to overcome fear especially if this is what I'm meant to do.

 

When it's all said and done, I will have to answer to God for whether I have obeyed God's voice to do what He wants regardless of whether I want to do it or not. I need to be certain of His voice and follow through!

 

 

The confirmation of this fact, was confirmed today by a pure stranger, but fellow brother in Christ, named Ken.

 

Out of the blue, I did not go to church today. As a result from visiting with grandma, I have breakfast with her and my aunt at McDonalds. My soul was so happy to have gotten there in time enough to order 2 Southern-style chicken biscuits! :-) But as we were preparing to eat, my grandmother sat down beside a 50ish older white gentleman that reminds me a lot of my Uncle Scott. He complimented me on  how I honored my grandmother, thanks be to God. He even joked that if he were my age he would have tried to court me! LOL

 

But aside from his outrageous humor about his cat, Spanky, his love for his wife to make sure to get her a gourmet camper with a toilet/shower, he was a very brilliant man skilled and data writing , helped with the International Trade Organization in Saudi Arabia , a missionary and most importantly a man of God.

 

I believe it was God's will that we met with him because he told me that God knows what's transpiring on the inside, when my little light has gotten a little dimmer and that He will remind me of the instruction he gave me and led me where to go. He told me that God loves me very much but to seek Him. He did not know me from Adam! But he prayed with us and left. He also told me that I cannot beat God giving. I thank God that He sends strangers to confirm His will because there are times that closest ones to me assume too much and confuse the voice of God with their perception of me.

 

I'm writing fast because I must go, but I hope and pray that God continuously bless Brother Ken wherever he goes for being obedient! I hope that God shows me soon where I'm suppose to be and that my soul is steadied enough that my spirit hears clearly what He said. Amen

 



Long Road Ahead

So much has happened since I last wrote. I have graduated from college. Two states, two temp jobs, officially unemployed, single and now back at home. Within less that 10 days it will officially be a year without me having a permanent steady job. Nothing worked out the way I thought it would be. Although I have a shelter over my head, a few crackers to eat, in all honesty it has been really difficult to stay positive. Honestly I don't think I have ever been a positive person with the innate motivation to see the world half full. I mean I am hopeful but the minute something does not go right there is this gnawing and gnashing of teeth on the inside that's  like "Look I told you so!". And I want to be brave and free from fear and be excited about life!
But it;s just so hard. It's so easy to be emotional. For me lately being a hermit crab has been my M.O. So many people are starting to notice that behind my smile I actually have problems...but many express this realization by telling me that I'm negative. Heck, even my dad told me I was negative and honestly I think that's the pot on a good/polished day calling the kettle black.  So I have been inside....at home....alone...afraid to call people...afraid my negative aura would either annoy and or contaminate someone else. In silence I try to keep my suffering to myself. But it's not helping.
On a positive note, I did have an interview last week, but they wanted me to stay for 5 yrs. I have been so wrapped in frustration that I practically told the guy that recommended me that I didn't want the job only because they wanted to keep me so long! I do good to know what I'm going to do for the rest of the year! I can imagine he thought I was crazy and being selfish. He hasn't returned my call since. *Sigh* It's so hard to focus on the positive, on completing the tasks at hand. I have been so trying to find a job and feeling so hopeless because my degree seems like it means absolutely nothing in today's economy that I just don't know what to do. I have been applying for a long time in this one area that I feel like maybe it's not God's will for me to be here! And like I said, once I begin to doubt it's like I'm back to square-one to get myself motivated to complete the tasks again.
I have a few other irons in the fire of ideas but most require me to take exams before employment which I do not have the money to buy all the books right now. I miss my friends. I actually felt someone happy being around them but now I think about, they used to say I was negative at times too. Where is all the negativity come from? Maybe because I have had to struggle all my life and I know that this is not where I'm supposed to be. There are lots of people that are in a worst predicament that I am in, but the difference is because I am a child of God, and He has everything I am supposed to boundless access to anything that I need! Frustration always sets in when you see yourself at point A and you know you're supposed to be at point D and you're wondering how did you get to that revelation all of a sudden? What happened to all the other memos about your going from point A to B & C?

And you realize you have no clue what's going on, now knowing the difference between whats up vs down. Yeah that's not how life is supposed to be. Most poor ppl including poor Christians with all their intentions think that they have valid reasons to explain their poverty: "our country is poor, the economy is bad, everyone in our family has been on welfare/disability, it's God's will" ect...And usually the methods they have for solutions is writing the president about unemployment or thinking negative towards those that are rich! When did the government become our source? When did getting upset at others help us succeed? I find it odd that most of the legitimate business owners that are wealthy do not claim to be Christian and unless you're John Maxwell >> but quite a few so called "rich" pastors have had charged brought against them for something (domestic dispute, sexual harassment, embezzlement or some sort of scam) and their wealth seems to be directly tied up into coming from their church! I don't want to be that person. I don't want to pimp other Christians to fund my gift. And I definitely refuse to get married to fix my financial woes just because it seems like a good idea to others. Goldigger just isn't my thing.

 I want to have a career, pays my tithes and offerings, donate to charities, volunteer, have visions and dream dreams that are pleasant and not always something from the living dead and be able to interpret them. The few "goods" night dreams I had involved guys dating me and one kissing me (in the most gentlemanly way ever) and I think I have had maybe less than 5 of those out of 11 yrs of dreaming almost every night! I mean there's a war going on inside my head whether I'm awake or asleep!

And being like this has not helped me in the dating pool either. I'm either super high strung, super melancholy/sedated or just a walking existence of drama & negativity. I really need to get it together but I honestly don't know how! Some days are ok but then the next I take 2 steps backward and wondering why I haven't changed!!! What's wrong with me?! Why are others getting blessed and succeeding in life but not me?! What haven't the prophecies given to me happened yet? Are they supposed to happen any time soon? If not, why was that not explained to me? I'm just so done right now....I think I am just going to try to pray instead of crying myself to sleep. Hopefully, I'll actually have something great to share for once on this blog! Until next time!

The Process of Change

Since only a few days of the new year has commenced,I has gotten little accomplished. My cleanse didn't even go smoothly the first day! I feel as though I am living a tragic redundant existence. So many things in me that need to be changed, removed, imparted and developed. But isn't growth visible? I don't see growth in me or a spirit of perfeection, determination or the will to endure and complete what I have started! As ilI write this the hollows of my sockets burn with dissatisfaction of my life. In many ways I feel like such a hypocritical failure that has time, encouragement, wisdom and love for everyone else except myself. There is so much pressure to succeed, school, relationships, career/life in general. I know my family is supportive but I always feel like I'm always doing everything by myself. Then the help I do get is telling me *what* I should be doing instead of helping me *acquire* the tools to accomplish my aspirations! Many times I feel like I am made to be 12 but the minute I have done something that did not turn out properly, all of a sudden I'm the adult that is supposed to take responsibilty for my actions! These past days have been emotionally hell for me. I have wept across two weeks including in one week two days in a row. To everyone else on the outside I am strong, such a barbie as my uncle calls me, which I hate being called thus. But on the inside I feel like I'm dying silently sometimes from what I don't know what. Perhaps its loneliness. Being without a mate and no friends at home and not being able to be vulnerable yet secure with my friends pulls at my heart sometimes. I'm supposed to have yet why do I feel so alone? Then to make matters worst, my uncle keeps having dreams about me getting married and each time I'm marrying a different man that's the polar opposite than the one before! I mean usually he's right about who people end up marrying but what does it mean? I'm getting married twice? I mean geez I have even been on a date! And the guys I usually like don't seem to match either descriptions -_- My dad told me it could just be a confirmation that I need to seek the Lord myself on who I should marry. The irony is that my uncle has told me to watch out for pan blanco before as if he saw me with one before his dreams about my marriage. At this point I really don't want to hear anything about marriage. I dang I just want to go on a decent date with a nice, attractive young that is not looking for other things... Is that too much to ask? Those things aside, there is so much I need to accomplish in my life. In some ways I need to be alone from others to focus but I can only be alone but too long. Lord Jesus help me with balance! And my emotions! Everything has been so bottled up inside. I just feel like a blind bat trying to navigate through a cave unsuccessfully. The irony is that a bat is supposed to navigate a cave well under all circumstances. -.- Jesus please help me!

Tough Times

Its amazing how emotions can sway a person's being so easily! Emotions are intangible, so miniscule transparent yet that's what makes them the most powerful. You can't kill with a bullet, silence them with them with a muzzle because they always find their way out. Either passively or aggressively they emerge in just transform in some way shape or form but to never dissipate! I wonder why God made emotions to be this way? I mean especially with human emotion....it can be so unstable so deadly and heart wrenching but then again when positive and shared with someone else they could be the most powerful things in the world. Especially with love. I understand the thin line between love and hate. If you love so one so strong and they do not love you back its easy to want to hate them or yourself because the emotion is so strong and hard to take away. But at the same time, if that person returns your love just as strongly as you love them, it can be the most amazing thing ever. Perhaps life would be much better without emotions but it could never be sweeter without them. I supposed because God loves us so much that he was able to take the risk and make us so much like him. But with free will we go through hell loving someone who won't love us back. If that is the case, then he must feel like this when his creation rejects him. So that's how Jesus experienced every thing every human would endure....overwhelming yet powerful! Still pondering........ *sigh*

After the Storm

So...this past week was a week from hell! My computer was malfunctioning, my money was acting funny, I was going to class unprepared, without books, my food is constantly dwindling, I was constantly exhausted & I got yelled at on my job! But God...helped me to get through it! Now this week is almost the same except my computer decided it wanted to cooperate :) but now my phone wants to go a rye! :( My friend said he called me like 10 times while I was trying to call him but I wasn't picking up. Neither was the call waiting operating on neither one of our phones. :( *sigh* I'm pretty sure that all the other stuff was definitely a demonic attack since we have been trying to get a campus bible study going. I wonder has my communication with him been demonically influenced also???? Idk, but although he's weird I kind of like talking to him. It's hard to describe and I'm not some desperate person but despite his quirks I think he's a a swell guy....so what does he think of me??? I have no idea :/

Mixed Emotions Compartmentialize

Today has been the beginning of my second week at campus. I met up with an old friend which was great but....something today was different. I guess over time you just don't see people the same way. I mean don't get me wrong! What I'm saying in regards to this friend is not negative by any means but I don't have the burning in my gut for him anymore. Is that bad? I doubt it but idk but for now I'm just happy that at least I can cherish him as just a friend. I think my meeting, although enjoyable just confirmed what I have been thinking all along. {sigh} oh well! That means there's a dude out there better for me or maybe things take time. Either way I'm going to be patient and wait on God. I mean what's my hurry? lol :) ttyl 

**Sigh**

Have you ever felt sad and didn't really clearly understand why? Today I had a moment on the way to the mall with my dad where I wanted to do was weep. I have been through a lot this past two weeks and since college off and on...news that shook my world and would potentially impact the rest of my life and a lot of time doing a whole lot of nothing to let it merry-go round in my cerebreal cortex. I feel like I'm living a convaluted dream  and hoping and praying that I wake up. Then I realize that this frustration/confusion is my present-day reality. Even as I type this I can feel the heat throb behind my eyes waiting to gush forth. I have so many questions and it seems like the few answers that I have gotten haven't seemed to solve anything but bring added confusion! I really want to go somewhere and scream to the top of my lungs 3 times and be silent for a long time...in a cave...alone. I sorry but its just one of those days, within this season of my life that I wish would stop haunting me! God I need your help directly from you!